Hypocrite

I'm feeling really angry. I hate when people call me a hypocrite. Especially Noble. This from the guy who went back on EVERYTHING he promised me. I get facebook to try and rejoin the world of being social and I get ridiculed. He fucks his dirty ex girlfriend after promising me he would NEVER do something like that, and i took him back. Like a desprate idiot.

There is no one that I trust to let in and trust not to rip me to shreds. It's my own fault. I should have known... retrospect is always 20/20. It makes me sad that I could have ended it so much sooner and I would have been so much better off.  Less heart ache. 

I'm meant to be alone. I just need to deal with it. I'm far too complicated to have anyone get me and love me. Tall order. Too tall. Why do I try? Well it sucks being alone that's why. 

No one will truly accept me.

I'm not a very good liar. But it's not a lie if I think it's true or it is true at the time. That's what stupid boys like Noble don't understand. People change. Everyone changes. It's inevitable.

Noble, like many of my other past relationships just makes me really mad. All the shit he said to me, all the truths he contrived. He'll say  ' you fed me a lot of bs'. But 10 minutes earlier 'I love you, i accept you for you'. Just makes me realize that all men are liars. They want the pussy and they'll do and say ANYTHING to get it. The trick is to realize it's all bullshit.

Life makes me depressed.. in the most non-dramatic way possible. I want to cry, bathe and die.

Instead I'm going to use my awesome self control and wash the dishes and be productive so tomorrow will be a better day than today. I wish everyone knew how hard life is. How hard getting up and doing anything is. I'm not lazy because I'm prone to depression. I know this and I try to avoid it. I try really really fucking hard. So hard that when I can't help it, I hate myself even more.

It's 9:00 I think I'll wash dishes and go to bed. It's not too early. Tomorrow will always be better.

<3

The Breakup

Everytime I break up with someone, it reminds me how much everyone lies. They lie to get what they want. I do too sometimes. I don't like it.

It's always really disappointing when all the lies come out, I just start to feel that I should stop trusting anyone.

One boyfriend told me he had smoked the entire time we'd been together. I'm not sure if this was actually true or not, but he used to smoke cigars with his friends. I just really hated the smell, I don't care if you smoke, but don't do it when I'm around? Ok? Why did he say this? If it was true, why did he lie about it. If it wasn't true, why did he tell me? The answer is the same for both: to hurt me.

Other boyfriend have been more devious, " I love you". I've learned that this usually means " I really like you, well... most of you.. can you please change the parts I don't like?" This can be even more heart breaking. Thinking that you've finally found someone who accepts you for all that you are, only to realize that in their eyes, you're not quite good enough.

A friend said to me that my current boyfriend was just a time filler. I knew this was true. He was decent company, we got along ok and the sex was good.... why wouldn't i fill my time? 'Because if they perfect guy comes around, you'll miss him because you're too busy with the time filler boyfriend."
Half true. The perfect mate for me? My initial reaction is that he doesn't exist, but he must. What's the point if he isn't out there. As much as I hate relationships and all the drama that goes along with them, I hate being alone. I like to have someone that will be there for me when I need it. But here is my issue with "soul mates": I live in a city of 1 million people plus. I interact with lets say.... 1 new person every day. This is not a happy math equation. 2739, that's how many years it would take me to meet everyone in the city while going about my everyday business. Now if we take the world's population into consideration, that's an even more depressing number. So yes, while being optimistic about there being someone just perfect out there for me, I'm also being realistic in realizing that I'll probably never find him.

I'm obsessive. I don't have an addictive personality, but I obsess. I cyber stalked one of my ex's for months after we broke up. I realize that this behavior is not exactly healthy. I take promises to myself pretty seriously. If I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I keep one for anyone else. I'm having a really hard time right now with letting my latest ex go. There was so much drama with him, his ex and me. There was so much lying I'm not sure what's true and what's not. I'm the epitome of creepy stalker ex girlfriend. Why? I'm not sure, because I want to be wanted, because I hope I'm not that easily forgotten, because I'm a masochist. Today, December 2 2012, 9:53am, I'm severing ties. I will not look at his or his ex's online profiles, I will not text him or send him pictures of his cat (yeah, i do that) I will not email him. I will forward his mail to his new address until March, then after that I will 'return to sender'. I will not make myself accessible to him online or otherwise.  After his gym pass expires in August 2013, I will not renew it. Our relationship is finished, I need to act like it is and move on. Stop wasting my time.

-the end.







 

Boy bands and teenage love

My cousin (who's 13) is going through her Justin Beaber phase. She has been for months... years actually. She's been to two of his concerts and has every single Justin thing ever produced, there's even duplicates of posters tucked away in the spare bedroom. Needless to say - she's in love with him.

Recently I posted an ad on CL looking for a NSA hookup. Among many replies a 'Kyle Martin' stood out. We exchanged pictures... decided to hook up.

I'm not the trustworthy type, I always do a google background check. I usually find nothing, or very little. Most people use fake names, anonymous email addresses... that sort of thing. Not this dude, I googled him - a bunch of pictures that looked pretty similar to the one that he sent me, a twitter feed, instagram and facebook all popped up. Apparently he's in a band, a band that I've heard on the radio and sang to their songs...

Now I'm conflicted.  Is he actually who he says he is? Some semifamous pop star? or is he just pretending to be to snag random chicks off the internet. So what does this have to do with my 13 year old cousin loving Justin Beaber? Well, not that this guy is Justin Beaber, but he has the same boy pop punk vibe. My cousin, i'm positive would be gaga over him. Should i really be fucking someone who appeals to my 13 year old cousin?

I haven't quite decided yet.

Good Night to No One

Being single is really lonely.
I need to figure out how to be alone again.

This is my sad, pathetic post today.

Jonas Baas

Where are you?