Everytime I break up with someone, it reminds me how much everyone lies. They lie to get what they want. I do too sometimes. I don't like it.
It's always really disappointing when all the lies come out, I just start to feel that I should stop trusting anyone.
One boyfriend told me he had smoked the entire time we'd been together. I'm not sure if this was actually true or not, but he used to smoke cigars with his friends. I just really hated the smell, I don't care if you smoke, but don't do it when I'm around? Ok? Why did he say this? If it was true, why did he lie about it. If it wasn't true, why did he tell me? The answer is the same for both: to hurt me.
Other boyfriend have been more devious, " I love you". I've learned that this usually means " I really like you, well... most of you.. can you please change the parts I don't like?" This can be even more heart breaking. Thinking that you've finally found someone who accepts you for all that you are, only to realize that in their eyes, you're not quite good enough.
A friend said to me that my current boyfriend was just a time filler. I knew this was true. He was decent company, we got along ok and the sex was good.... why wouldn't i fill my time? 'Because if they perfect guy comes around, you'll miss him because you're too busy with the time filler boyfriend."
Half true. The perfect mate for me? My initial reaction is that he doesn't exist, but he must. What's the point if he isn't out there. As much as I hate relationships and all the drama that goes along with them, I hate being alone. I like to have someone that will be there for me when I need it. But here is my issue with "soul mates": I live in a city of 1 million people plus. I interact with lets say.... 1 new person every day. This is not a happy math equation. 2739, that's how many years it would take me to meet everyone in the city while going about my everyday business. Now if we take the world's population into consideration, that's an even more depressing number. So yes, while being optimistic about there being someone just perfect out there for me, I'm also being realistic in realizing that I'll probably never find him.
I'm obsessive. I don't have an addictive personality, but I obsess. I cyber stalked one of my ex's for months after we broke up. I realize that this behavior is not exactly healthy. I take promises to myself pretty seriously. If I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I keep one for anyone else. I'm having a really hard time right now with letting my latest ex go. There was so much drama with him, his ex and me. There was so much lying I'm not sure what's true and what's not. I'm the epitome of creepy stalker ex girlfriend. Why? I'm not sure, because I want to be wanted, because I hope I'm not that easily forgotten, because I'm a masochist. Today, December 2 2012, 9:53am, I'm severing ties. I will not look at his or his ex's online profiles, I will not text him or send him pictures of his cat (yeah, i do that) I will not email him. I will forward his mail to his new address until March, then after that I will 'return to sender'. I will not make myself accessible to him online or otherwise. After his gym pass expires in August 2013, I will not renew it. Our relationship is finished, I need to act like it is and move on. Stop wasting my time.
-the end.
